On feeling the anger I want to see in the world

On 31 May, 2010 · 10 Comments · In Body Image

I got angry before at someone who expressed some really gross and hurtful things about fat people, and like usual, I was conflicted about my response soon after. As a woman, I was taught that to respond with anger, haughtiness or questioning is a big No No. A woman is supposed to quell her outrage at injustices for fear that she be painted with negative characteristics, for fear that she is dismissed as a bitch and told to “calm down”. Angry fat women, already painted into a pretty corner with this oppressive conditioning, must completely blow minds because they are not submissive, jolly or thin. Angry fat women are angry because you dismiss them as human beings, because they are not thin and submissive, or beautiful and quiet.

When someone is not angry or asking questions, it makes them a lot easier to control but by the same token, I can appreciate being lost in an angry response. A lot of the time I can flip situations around, and sometimes come out of it with that golden Teaching Moment. I did it once and blogged my success, but tonight I have come to blog my failure. And I’m ok with it. One of the things I have learned from my mate Tiara is that it’s unfair to expect a victimised and demonised group of people to educate their oppressors. One of the most common things I hear in my interactions as a fat activist is

“But you just want to glorify fat people/ make everyone fat.”

If I was a thin woman, I doubt I’d hear that. If I was a thin male, I’d barely even know that kind of response existed. Hell, if I was a thin male I’d probably be doling out that kind of response without a second thought.

I get really tired of hearing it… and then some days I get really angry and upset about it. It wears me down and I suffer the old activist fatigue, and find I have to withdraw from talking about this stuff for a while. That’s why I am grateful for fat allies and activists who aren’t female or fat like Paul Campos. He can use his male privilege to be heard and not dismissed by other men! This transcript from his lecture at UCLA says a lot about who our society takes seriously on the topic of fatness:

This is an extraordinarily gendered subject, I mean just take a look around! Right? Why am I getting to talk the way I am about this kind of thing even though I’m “overweight”, which I am according to the American government? Because a) I’m a man and uh there’s a second reason but I can’t remember what it is but mainly because I’m a man and um therefore I have.. Oh yeah, ’cause even though I’m overweight, I’m thin, right?

I’m thin in terms of the social meaning of thinness in our culture. A man of my particular social class and background and so forth is typed as thin and therefore even though I’m “overweight”, I have a BMI of 25 and change, I’m 5’8″, I weight 167lb and that makes me overweight according to the US government. I am still socially thin, so I’m a man so I get to say whatever I want about weight and not be judged for it because nobody cares what men weigh. Needless to say I am painting with a very broad brush here, yes weight discrimination definitely affects men and it’s not as if this kind of craziness does not have negative effects on men too – it certainly does, but it has a vastly stronger effect on women, as I’m sure many of you can recognise just from your life experience.

So I’m a man, I can say what I want about weight without being judged for it and secondly, if I was a woman and I was 5’8″ and a 167lb I would NOT be thin even though I would have exactly the same body mass, even though physiologically I would have the same BMI. But socially I would be, in this context at least (upper class, privileged, in this institution of higher learning) I would be fat. And therefore of course I would not have standing to say anything about this. Because “obviously” I would be rationalising for my own failure to have maintained an appropriate body type.

I hope that quote can open your eyes to what an activist deals with when she is fighting the oppression she is subject to, and why it’s so awesome and appreciated when allies step in. Sometimes it’s just shit that when I call someone out on being a bigot, they turn around and call me a bitch or, one of my favourites, too sensitive. That person, especially if they are a privileged white male (but yo, women do this too!) will receive the full force of my anger. I’m allowed to be angry, and to express my hurt, and if it tumbles out of me in a way that leads to a further conversation about the transgression it’s awesome… but if it doesn’t, I oughtn’t blame myself. It’s going to take a long time to sort this crap out, because of how ingrained hatred and fear are in people’s heads. If the duty is solely handed to the victimised, the bullied and the oppressed… well nothing is ever going to change.

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  • http://www.fat-nurse.om Devon

    For goodness sake. Nat, you inspired me to love myself and start my blog, people like this just really get my “goat,” (what an odd phrase.) Many people believe that fat can not in any way equal happy. I've had some abuse thrown at me recently from a rather unpleasant little kiddy who thought spamming my email with “OMG U AND UR BUTTERYFAT FINGERS LOLOL EAT UR PIE FAT C***” was the most mature way he could deal with his issue with me being fat and beautiful.
    Keep up the good work, please. Your writing is always a pleasure to read.
    Devon xx
    http://www.fat-nurse.com

  • http://www.definatalie.com definatalie

    Oh Devon, that is so heartening to read!

    People lash out at people who do challenging things, and it's hard to take it seriously when it's that silly!!

  • Bianca

    I've said this else where and I'll say it here, its about bloody time fat (as well as being gay, etc) became a non issue. I mean really, in 2010 the best thing we have to judge a person worth on is their weight? How about if they are a productive, positive member of society or if they run around defacing property, stealing, cheating and so on?

  • Bianca

    I've said this else where and I'll say it here, its about bloody time fat (as well as being gay, etc) became a non issue. I mean really, in 2010 the best thing we have to judge a person worth on is their weight? How about if they are a productive, positive member of society or if they run around defacing property, stealing, cheating and so on?

  • Stephania

    I completely agree with Bianca. It is about time that we made these things a non- issue. And if somone doesnt like you or doesnt hold your opinion high because you are fat/gay/whatever it is, then that is THEIR issue. And it's their issue to sort out, not yours.
    Accepting and genuinely loving yourself AS YOU ARE (and not just when you're thin, or shooting goals, achieving, physically well, etc) is completely between you and you alone. Once this is genuinely acheived, there simply is no influence by anyone else.

    This is a great story from a “desert father” (a saint that lived an ascetic life in the desert). This has meaning whether you are religious or not:

    “A brother came to see Abba Macarios the Egyptian, and said to him, “Abba, give me a word, that I may be saved.” So the old man said, “Go to the cemetery and abuse the dead.” The brother went there, abused them and threw stones at them; then he returned and told the old man about it. The latter said to him, “Didn't they say anything to you?” He replied, “No.”
    The old man said, “Go back tomorrow and praise them.” So the brother went away and praised them, calling them, “Apostles, saints, and righteous men.” He returned to the old man and said to him, “Did they not answer you?” The brother said, “No.”
    The old man said to him, “You know how you insulted them and they did not reply, and how you praised them and they did not speak; so you too, if you wish to be saved, must do the same and become a dead man. Like the dead, take no account of either the scorn of men or their praises, and you can be saved.”

    In otherwords, you can achieve much peace within yourself when you truly accept yourself regardless of other's opinions. You especially realise this not only when you come to a place that people's hatred and unnaproval has no affect on you, but also when their praise and approval has absolutely no affect on you. You then live life absolutely to your truth and a sense of peace comes with that. :)

  • http://fashionforwriters.com Jenny

    THANK YOU! for this post. I was just writing my own blog post (sadly, by writing I mean fiddling around with the same post for the past 3 weeks) on the importance of anger. It's so so so so true (and yet I've never put into words) that it's not the responsibility of oppressed people to educate their oppressors, and sometimes that leads me to respond with a sudden: WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU, instead of a calmer reaction, and sometimes I feel guilty or embarrassed for being so angry but I have to remember that I'm allowed to just feel angry and I don't have to always take on the responsibility of explaining the same shit to someone who I find to be a bigot/sexist/racist/homophobe/etc.

    Anyway, I really appreciate your thoughts–I think you're so smart, and I know just what you mean about fatigue, and how hard it is to have the strength to be angry and still have the strength afterward to explain why you're not just an over-sensitive bitch, because explaining that shit gets fucking exhausting, just like you said.

  • http://project-kathryn.com kathryn

    I think one of the most important things about getting angry or talking up about this kind of crap is that sure they might be saying it to me and I can handle it but next time it might be to someone else who can't.

    If I can make somone think twice before being a tool, it's got to be a good thing. I mean, there will always be ppl who say things because they are douchebags but often it's pure thoughtlessness rather than malice – like ppl who tell fat jokes then say it's okay because 'you're not *really* that fat!'

  • http://kelly.hogaboom.org Kelly

    I hope that quote can open your eyes to what an activist deals with when she is fighting the oppression she is subject to, and why it’s so awesome and appreciated when allies step in.

    This is so important. Thanks for a great post, and you are right (also: I’m allowed to be angry, and to express my hurt, and if it tumbles out of me in a way that leads to a further conversation about the transgression it’s awesome… but if it doesn’t, I oughtn’t blame myself. – wow. Thanks).

    I am a wee baby fat activist (in terms of my influence) but I am not as fat as some (5' 5″, size 14), or I'm that “acceptable” fat to your average Joe (I'm well-aware that according to fashion, celebrity, etc. I am a hideous wildebeest). In addition many people in my life know my family is active & we cook from scratch, my husband is “slim” (sort of like the Campos model), my kids are slim (by any standard), and we are “healthy” (we are, but ppl ASSUME it w/o any real knowledge therein). So when I speak up about FA people IRL and online give me SO much more benefit of the doubt and they listen SO much more. Especially when my husband speaks up.

    I hate being an activist or writer and speaking up, then getting sneered at and how I often respond my guessing my every intention, every RIGHT to speak up, every nuance of my wording. For instance I recently pointed out some classist, sizest, and sexist stuff on a sewing blog I usually love – actually the subject was fashion policing as it happens. The rejection from the 50 or so respondent comments (most if not all females) was scathing and dismissive. And of course I ended up second-guessing myself. But you know? I was right. And I was respectful and straightforward. So by some standards and in many minds you can't “win” if you choose to speak up. If you're respectful you're sensitive and pathetic and spending WAY too much time on something that is unworthy (or you're “insane” as one commenter called me). If your angry you're a bitch and also pathetic and need to get a life and (possibly) making excuses for your own butt-hurt and you should get over it.

    So. Thanks for writing this because you articulated a piece of social justice activism that is so important.

  • http://kelly.hogaboom.org/ Kelly

    Oh awesome. I totally screwed up my linkage. Fail.

  • http://www.wicked-whimsy.com/index.php/2010/06/07/marvelous-monday-52/ Marvelous Monday! : Wicked Whimsy

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