definatalie.com

After going to TEDxBrisbane and seeing Dallas Clayton’s video on publishing “An Awesome Book” I have been feeling inspired to self publish a book. I’ve also been reading a few old zines, the FaT GiRL zines from the 90s in particular, and I thought I’d start out by publishing a zine on body image – your body image.

So, I put up a question on a Google Form: Tell me about your body in 10 words or less.

Lots of people have contributed their statements already! Some of them are sad, some are funny, but all of them speak to me of honesty and struggle.

So, how do you feel about your body? You can contribute too. You don’t have to put your real name, but a name is nice because I can illustrate your words and then attribute those words to you. The end product will be an A5 sized zine – I am yet to figure out the details, but I hope to have enough interest in the book to have it colour printed. I will also make the zine available online for free.

If you’re interested in a printed zine, please let me know so I can start figuring out numbers!

In a culture where negative self talk is actively encouraged most of us have days when we feel like we don’t measure up. This practice of comparing ourselves and our bodies with others rarely produces good outcomes. It’s such a damaging culture that even those with high self esteem aren’t immune. Even those who are activists, advocating for fat acceptance, aren’t safe.

When I find myself in these moments where I compare myself to others and despair at the ways I am lacking, I try to remember this. Some people are surprised that I can fight for size diversity, human rights and self-love so fiercely yet still be afflicted with bouts of crippling low confidence – but I’ve got to tell you right now, this is proof of our self-hating culture.

Margaret Cho, someone more eloquent (and hilarious) than I, says it really well.

Copy and paste this in a txt file, or make it your desktop. Read it all the time and remember it.

I just had my first ever pedicure and it was THE WEIRDEST EXPERIENCE OF MY LIFE. Nick and I decided to pamper ourselves after all our intrepid plodding last week, and surprisingly Nick was the one who was enthusiastic about getting a professional to tend to our sore feet. I was less into it because it takes a lot for me to let someone into my personal foot bubble of space.

Being pretty terrible at small talk I like to avoid most feminine-oriented beautification services (please see chapter 4: My Fear of Hairdressers) and I was quietly terrified when Nick looked up a place to get our marital mani-pedi. When the technician (I think that’s the proper job title!) put my feet in a warm bath that vibrated I started to get into it, but then she snuck her hands in the water and started rubbing my heels. Cue the freak out.

As more of the 75 minutes of pedicure torture ticked over I awaited the next attack on my poor unsuspecting feet. Exfoliation, massage (I actually liked that bit), some foot… shaving with a pumice paddle, a bunch of oily moisturising stuff slathered from toes to calves, and then… the paraffin wax. I thought my blood was going to boil in my veins, it was so hot! After it cooled it sort of felt nice, despite the squicky feeling of stuff between my toes. After having some time to myself while the wax set I grossed myself out by thinking about how much dead skin had been sloughed off in that little room. Ew. Finally it was time for some polish – a pale pink.

The whole process was a little bit shocking to me, having never participated in such an experience before. Once I tuned out a little bit and had a giggle at all the hilarious comments on the Grill’d blog post I started to feel like I was being rightfully pampered. I’m sorry to the lovely woman who professionally tended to my feet, I’ve totally forgotten your name, but seeing as you’ve handled these feet I feel we are the most intimate of friends now.

It’s hard to escape some of the more cringe-inducing messages in the lead up to Valentine’s Day in the western world. It’s a day that was created to fete early Christian martyrs (yes, plural – Valentine was a popular name for martyrs!) for things that people forgot about long ago, and for reasons of sacrifice rather than actual kissy-kissy romance. Early Pagans held a fertility celebration called Lupercalia in February and it’s thought that the creation of the Valentine holiday was an attempt to Christianise Pagan celebrations (remind you of Christmas?) As time went on the myths and practices surrounding Valentine’s Day became more romantic and were intended to celebrate the romantic love between a man and a woman. People exchanged cards with ribbon and lace, and eventually some entrepreneurial sort came up with the idea of mass manufacturing these trinkets. And you know the rest.

There’s a lot to disagree with when it comes to Valentine’s Day. It’s a Christian tradition celebrating hetero-normative love bastardised from Pagan celebration, basically. For years I was a single girl wondering about love and Valentine’s was always a day that mocked my inability to find a partner. To find a little joy I would make cards for my friends, drawing and gluing to show my appreciation and love for the people around me. Some years I would take time out to spoil myself, with home-made facials and manicures. When I started going out with Nick it didn’t really seem important that he shower me with gifts, so we never really made a big deal out of the day and preferred to spend it with friends. I really appreciate this new tradition we’ve created and feel like it’s a lot more enriching than selfishly squirreling our love away (though if you’re a parent it’s probably a good time to score some time to yourselves!)

SOME LOVELY THINGS TO DO
For yourself and others

❥ Paint your nails a crazy colour. Or red. Or any colour, really. (Photo by lauren the zebra)
❥ Give yourself a face mask and put used tea bags on your eyes (I have no idea if it reduces puffy eyes effectively, but it feels nice!)
❥ Make cupcakes for your friends.
❥ Have a picnic in the park and nap in the sun (good if you’re Australian, maybe not so good if it’s still frosty in your part of the world!)

❥ Nibble your jam sandwich into the shape of a heart (I used to do this all the time) or you could buy a proper cutter (they don’t sell the above one anymore though!)
❥ Book a date with a new friend.
❥ Doodle sweet things on cards and give them to your family and friends.
❥ Take a grandparent out to the movies.

❥ Stand in front of the mirror and practice cute poses. Do not leave until you have smiled at yourself.
❥ Write yourself a Valentine and put it in a book (so you or someone else can find it years later).
❥ THROW OUT YOUR SCALES.
❥ If you live with someone and their scales are in the bathroom, blu-tac a positive message over the display.
❥ Do absolutely nothing all day.

If you’ve got any body-positive all-inclusive plans for Valentine’s Day let me know in the comments!

I’ve had a bit of a bummer of a week with some sad things happening that have disturbed my fance. It seems that when I’m busy and sad I don’t really collect many images, so I mostly crowdsourced the Fance this week on tumblr and this is the result…

I found this on Tumblr and there’s no word on who the group are. They are infinitely fancy though! It was originally posted by bitter and thirsty, but I found it by way of I love fat.

I just love the all black with the explosion of colour at the collar. Via Copenhagen Street Style.

Dior is never not fancy. The Cruella hair is amazing, I have a thing for silver streaks! Thanks Heidi for submitting this.

I think umbrellas are great, in rain and shine. This one is freaking adorable and craps all over my animal print one! Lulu Guinness have heaps of other fancy brollies too (love the cameo one too). Thank you ukulady!

I think this gorgeous building is in the running to be my place of residence. If only human eyes could see infrared! This photo was taken by Gian Guido Zurli and I found it via Kim.

Here’s to next week being 20 times better!

I want to take a moment to appreciate and respect some of the fantastic people who have influenced me in the arena of body acceptance. When I started using the internet, it was more than just a mass of information ping-ponging from server to server, it was a means of finding and communicating with people who were like minded, and because I have always felt like the odd one out it was really important to me that I have access to the internet. From a young age I was interested in social justice and human rights, but it felt like all the people in my “real life” thought I was crazy, or a bleeding heart liberal (which ever is worse?!)

I’ve said before that identity and styling always intrigued me, and while I have struggled with body image and identity I never really hated myself. I knew my struggle was against societal conditioning, not me, so when I came across fat positive people in the late 90s and early 00s, it was an amazing feeling knowing that I could plug into these networks and NOT be thought of as awful just because I was fat.

A lot of the role models I list are from the last five years, because I’m sad to say that I have lost contact with (and forgotten names of, sadly) a number of friends and admired people that I knew in the earlier days. If any of them stumble across this entry, I just want to thank them for their support, encouragement and enlightenment.

Beth Ditto

It goes without saying, but Ms. Ditto is a phenomenon. It’s not often that I can rave about a celebrity and admire pretty much all of their persona, their art, what they say, and how they carry themselves but Beth Ditto ticks all the boxes for me. Plenty of people have said that they can’t stand how she strips down to few clothes during performances, or that she behaves in a generally unladylike manner, but they are revolutionary acts she carries out in a world that pooh-poohs women for not being whatever enough. I like it. Screw being ladylike, own yourself!

Kelli Jean Drinkwater

I don’t know much about Kelli Jean, but I know that she rocks. She’s a performer, actor, model, film maker and an all-around champion of fance. Currently she’s in Sydney causing havok, so if you see any events she’s associated with CHECK THEM OUT AND REPORT BACK TO ME!

Marianne Kirby

Participating in the fatshionista Live Journal community was hugely challenging for me, but it has also been incredibly rewarding. I am pretty sure I butted heads with Marianne in her moderating role a few times in the early years, but after I read the book she wrote with Kate Harding (Screw Inner Beauty in Australia, Notes from the Fat-o-Sphere in the US) it dawned on me that some of the things I was clinging to, that I would defend tooth and nail, were hurting me and holding me back. Like pretty much everyone in western society, I would judge other people and validate myself by putting others down. My defensiveness was a pretty natural reaction to being challenged on this, but I’m glad Marianne challenged me. I am a happier person within myself for it.

Lesley Kinzel

Lesley is another moderator of the fatshionista LJ community, but also runs fatshionista.com. Even when I was a complete defensive twat Lesley would respond with warmth, humour and compassion and she really did inspire more of that sort of thing in me. I was so honoured when we started talking via Twitter, and she even put my blog on the fatshionista.com blogroll. Pretty daggy, I know, but that’s the kind of honesty Lesley inspires. The Boston Globe is even backing up my recommendation, with a huge article on the fantastic things this woman has done for Fat Acceptance on the internet. Go read it!

Thank you for being unashamedly you, and thank you for showing me that it’s ok to be unashamedly me.

The Fance is back! I’m going to start curating Fance posts from the images that I collect on my tumblr, if y’all don’t mind. 2010 is looking fabulous and busy and finding extra content is getting to be a luxury these days!

V Loves U Just The Way UR spread by Terry Tsiolis
This shoot is fantastic because it doesn’t include one body type and exclude the others – it reflects the reality that we all have different shaped bodies that do wonderful things.

Ice lantern by Design*Sponge
I wish I lived somewhere where these wouldn’t melt within half an hour! They’re gorgeous.

A page from Stella Im Hultberg’s sketchbook.

This brooch by Maria Cristina Bellucci is made out of reclaimed colour pencils. So beautiful!

This photo is from Plus d’idees que d’argent. What a stunning location!

If you’ve read my blog for a little while, you’ll have learnt that I am pro body acceptance and anti body negativity. Body acceptance, for me, involves honouring one’s body and loving it for what it can do and not treating it too poorly because it doesn’t look like other people’s (amongst other things). Body negativity covers dieting, negative self talk and shaming other people’s bodies to make yourself feel better (amongst other things).

One of the things I always wanted to do, but worried that I couldn’t, is run. Last year, in my year of being awesome to myself, I started to believe I could run! Sure, running in public as a fat person is scary and fraught with anxiety, but it was an issue I had to confront if I wanted to achieve my goal. I started by meeting a personal trainer and telling her about Health At Every Size and encouraging her to incorporate HAES principles into her ethos. Then I bought a pair of skins and walked the Bridge to Brisbane in a tutu! I’d heard of Couch to 5k a couple of years ago but instantly dismissed it because I didn’t know what my body could do, and then I forgot all about it until I was looking for iPhone apps late one night a few weeks ago. I came across the C25k app and it was decided – I would achieve my goal to run.

In the last year, even though I had a great foundation of self esteem, I became more comfortable with my visibility as a fat person. Running challenges how comfortable I am as a fat person making herself visible, because fat people are not perceived as being able to run or being interested in their health (I know this to be untrue, but do you?) I want to run down a busy main road and not worry about cat calls or abuse, because I am running for me. It’s important to mention that I’m not doing this for weight loss. Running has always been something that has intrigued me, and when I see people jogging along the road I feel pangs of envy. I enjoy moving my body – yep, even working up a sweat – but I am not interested in competitive sports, so activities like walking and swimming have always appealed to me. But running… running involves pushing through mental barriers, physical stamina, breathing correctly, and best of all… moving swiftly!

If you’re not familiar with the Couch to 5k concept, it is a nine week programme that has three sessions per week. You start with a five minute walking warm up and then do a 60 second jog followed by a 90 second walk. The jogging interval is repeated for 20 minutes, and concluded with a five minute cool down walk. Every week the intervals are stepped up until you hit Week 7 when you’re running for 25 minutes. In the final three weeks you work up to running the whole 5k!

I started the first week of the Couch to 5k programme last week and probably got a bit too ambitious – I did two sessions in two days without giving my body a chance to rest. So I left the third session of the first week until today. Upon reflection, it’s been quite amazing to see the improvement in my body: my bones are getting stronger and I have more stamina! I am aiming to repeat Week 1 again, just to make sure I am physically and mentally prepared for the next week’s challenge.

I am hoping to blog about my Couch to 5k programme weekly – to reflect and encourage myself, and maybe a little bit because I want you to hold me to my commitment! If you want to join me in the C25k there are a heap of resources on c25k.com where you can download an iPhone or iPod app or find a podcast. There’s also heaps of tips and support at Cool Runnings too!

My tips for starting Week 1 of the Couch to 5k:

• Wear skins – lycra tights that allow your thighs to glide past each other. You will regret the epic chafing if you don’t wear lycra! Mine are from Target, I found them in the men’s section!
• If you have an iPhone or iPod Touch (I think) you can download the C2Ck app; if you have an mp3 player you can download any number of podcasts that have music playing between the intervals; and if you don’t have either, go buy a stop watch with a countdown timer.
• If you’re using the Apple app – don’t lock your screen. It’s a pain in the arse but apparently Apple won’t let programs run in the background. I learnt this the hard way and pretty much walked my whole first session wondering when I’d have to run!
• Take it easy, and jog at your own pace. Even if that pace is slow.
• If you can’t push through a tough jogging interval, walk through it. Just keep moving.
• BREATHE! Even if you have to breathe loudly. It’s your right as a human being.
• High five yourself when you’re finished each session!

I love playing with how I look, by and large I’m pretty fortunate to live in a country where I am free to do just so. I may get odd looks, people whispering behind their hands and others who simply express their delight/ confusion to my face; as an introvert it’s not really my favourite part about being “wacky”, but I guess it’s par for the course. We have been trained all our lives to tuck ourselves in, to blend in with everyone else and to avoid marginalising ourselves (if you’re privileged you’re fortunate enough to get to choose this!) and those who do not are accused of crying for attention. It’s really not as simple as that.

As a fat person I have been instructed by society through implicit and explicit signals that I should not be visible. Obviously, if you know anything about me, you’d know I think that’s a load of rubbish. As a woman, I have been instructed in other ways to be ever polite, kind, beautiful and ladylike. I also think this is rubbish. We are taught to keep our knees toghether, but why? To hide our bodies (our genitals, mostly) from the view of people (who in all likelihood have genitals also); to maintain a feminine mystique; to reinforce this systematic conditioning that sets us up as enemies with our bodies? Why are bodies supposed to be such secret hidden things? And sidenote: what is so offensive about people wearing tights as pants? I really don’t understand the outrage!

I look how I look because I very consciously question societal gender and body conditioning. I know it challenges a lot of people, my parents especially, but I just couldn’t be me if I did everything everyone wanted me to. My self esteem directly benefits from this, because I’m not as concerned with hiding bits of myself as other people are (even though I still battle this!)

So I have crazy hair styles, wear the outfits I wanna and let my laughter ring like a bell (reportedly a very LOUD bell.) If people take issue, it’s not my issue! I do not dress for other people. I may dress to an occasion but I am VERY adamant about not seeking the approval of other people when I style myself. I feel that it plays a huge part in compromising your confidence and esteem. I put make up on, tease my hair, and put together outfits as a way of expressing how I’m feeling; or if I’m feeling glum, to express how I want to feel.

I find identity and styling fascinating, and would love to know: am I alone on this? Do you think about how you style your body, or is it just about putting on clothes every day?

The other day when I was getting ready to go out I thought I’d record my ritual. This is my “bare minimum” face for being presentable outside my house and I’ve done it since I was in my teens. I have acne that is impervious to over the counter treatments (believe me, I’ve wasted so much money!) so make up has always been my mask. I feel very self conscious if I am without foundation and in a way, it is quite limiting having this anxiety about showing my real face. I guess this video is about unveiling my mask and my ritual, more than anything.

The song “Marie-Claire” is by Elfes, and the lyrics are in French but when I passed them through Google Translate (I hope that link works!) they spoke about body image anxiety – so I thought it was rather appropriate!