Purple, pink, blue baubles on the tree (including tiny mirrored disco balls!)

I know everyone’s already posted their holiday photos but we were staying at Mum and Dad’s and I only just mustered the energy to pull all the photos off my camera. We had a quiet Christmas, a claim Nick would object to coming from a small family, and spent the day with my immediate family, our cousins, and some family friends. It was really hot and I wasn’t feeling fabulous. Yes, it’s me your resident Scrooge!

Enjoy my Giftmas spam, or How To Celebrate Christmas When You’re Atheist And Vegetarian. I’ve put the photos behind a link because there are a lot!

Candied peanuts, ginger and dried muscatels sitting in bowls on the decorated table.

Strings of silver, green and red beads scattered on the table with shiny blue tea light holders.

Clusters of pink lilly pilly berries in a gold vase.

Presents, loads of presents, around the tree.

Crackers piled on each other like Jenga pieces!

Amanda and Jeb unwrap large organic looking lamp holders.

Katie hands out gifts.

Nana, the birthday girl, waits for her presents.

Jordan, Matt and Jeb sit on the couch chatting.

A pitcher and glass of sangria sit behind a cheese ball with crackers, waiting for us to consume them!

Salads sit on the table, looking delicious.

A beetroot, feta, onion, walnut and baby spinach salad with balsamic reduction. (It was amazing!)

Tomato, basil and bocconcini salad.

Plates and trays of cold meat, roast meat and vegies.

A plate of star shaped shortbread and white chocolate rocky road.

My Nana standing behind her candle lit birthday cake.

For the next two days, I slept and recovered from all the energy expended on Giftmas day! I hope you had some nice relaxing times too.

A photo of a mindmap I've drawn for our lounge room action plan for Sunday.

Today we started packing in earnest and began sorting stuff we will take with us, stuff we will dump and stuff we will sell. Tomorrow: more of the same as per my enthusiastic mind map pictured. Please forgive me for this reflective brain dump as I prepare to move to a different city and minimise the things that have come into the possession of Nick and I.

I don’t really ever think anyone will want my crappy shit but Dad is insisting on helping us with selling things on ebay. It’s difficult… basically all our belongings are hand-me-downs or gifts and scaling back possessions means having to throw out old birthday presents or sell wedding gifts. I mean, they’re obviously things we have little use for or that we flat out dislike but I worry about offending people. Then there’s family furniture we’ve accumulated that needs to be stored with Mum or rehomed. Nana’s display cabinet, Mum’s old washing machine, my parents’ liquor cabinet, a chest of drawers I used when I was little, and my uncle’s desk. Oh and the lounge suite.

A photo of my legs and feet draped with a pink blanket with a coffee table and a cabinet in the background.

This is what I did tonight. I’ve been snuggling up on the couch with my baby blanket at nights for the last week. We have to get rid of the lounge suite Mum gave us and even though it’s hard to get out of it’s super comfy for snuggling up in and reminds me of being safe in my parental home. I don’t think anyone will want the suite. The once gorgeous floral upholstery is stained and tattered, even though Dad always says that the frame is solid and sturdy. This couch has lots of memories that people can’t see. Like how Phoebe (our black toy poodle) used to walk around the base of the seats grooming herself and leaving dirt stains from her frolics in the yard. How we’d come in from swims, assuring Mum our hair was dry and watching TV as the salt water and chlorine leeched into the cushions behind our heads. When I was sick I would pass out on the couch and Mum would bring me tea as Phoebe sat in my lap looking after me.

At this moment what I’m experiencing is perhaps a kind of grief for things that have furnished my life for the last four years in the same space with Nick. At times I feel so frustrated that I just want to take everything we can’t bring with us to the dump! And then other times I wander around our unit completely overwhelmed before being drawn to the warm hug of the tatty floral couch. I see “lifehacking” articles about people embracing minimalism in their lives, but I’m just not comfortable with that idea. Obviously!

They’re just things, man, but they’re things that prompt me to remember and give me a sense of home. We’ll be moving in a fortnight to live with Nick’s Mum, and then we’ll have to readjust to a new sense of home. I suspect things will go better than expected, it’s just that the transition is quite discomforting.

We lined up for a quick reading from a medium called Jade-Sky, and I really didn’t have a question prepared but she said that I was a teacher, someone who gathered people around me and influenced them. I’m always surprised when people say things like this (and there have been a few, but none of them clairvoyant!) because I don’t see myself as that kind of person at all. All I could blurt out was, “Well um, I have a blog?”

A photo of me, Nick, my mother and sister smiling.

A photo of poached eggs, sliced avocado and a grilled tomato on toast.

After battling our way around a few aisles we emerged with hungry tummies so deserted the festival in search of food. Some guy even offered to take a group photo of us, so that was nice! After lunch I mentioned that Kerbside was a cool place to hang out so we went there and found a Zoe and a Sonya! Horay Brisbane!

A photo of some white lattice and green astroturf with "Garden Party" written in chalk on a black beam. Some butterflies are also stuck on the beam.

A photo of Zoe, me and Sonya standing together, looking fabulously stylish.

An outfit photo of Zoe, fat and pale skinned, wearing a floral dress, military style jacket, with black leggings and floral Doc Martens.

An outfit photo of Sonya, chubby and pale skinned, wearing a red dress, cream and black striped cardigan, with black tights and black patent oxfords.

An outfit photo of Mum, leaning awkwardly and professionally as a future fashion blogger!

An outfit photo of Mum,a pale skinned woman with short brunette hair, wearing a black top and pants with a cream cardi and scarf with black ballet flats.

An outfit photo of me, fat and pale skinned, wearing a cream floral dress with a cropped denim jacket, teal tights and brown ruched boots.

A photo of me, smiling in front of pretty fancy wood doors.

And then back to moi. Naturally.

Dress: via Such Moonshiners
Jacket: New Look
Tights: We Love Colors
Boots: Torrid

When I was in hospital I was overwhelmed with lovely messages across all the various forms of internets I use. My parents came to visit me twice over that weekend, while Nick came to see me every day. I would see other patients who’d been in for months look at me with all my abundance of support with sadness, and I wished I could share around the visits with them too. I did the next best thing by sharing all the food Mum snuck in for me! My Auntie and Nana sent me care packs when I got out and my mother-in-law insisted I come down to stay with her for a few weeks.

It’s a testament to how powerfully isolating depression and anxiety can be when you are still struck with horrifying dark thoughts even when love is demonstrated to you on a regular basis. When you stumble into patches of lightness and love, like a clearing in a rainforest, and see all the people in your life who are watching out for you it can be embarrassing too. Sometimes I’ve edged back into the darkness under the canopy because I am so ashamed that I can’t be healed by all these wonderful people’s care, and I am mortified that they may see these relapses as rejection or poor manners. Oh but it is a lot more complicated than that, I’m aware!

So thank you everyone. Thank you so much for having a care in your heart.

This week I was invited to stay with my Mum and sister at a holiday house up the coast. It was terribly relaxing. I took some crocheting and work up with me, but found myself helping my sister sew a skirt and reading Russell Brand’s autobiography. I did some work, promise! I’m making up the fat necklaces over this long weekend to send out next week. Mum and Michelle couldn’t resist trying the gold mirror necklaces on!

Even though the beach was a stroll away we only went once and that turned out to be pretty lucky considering my lack of balance and coordination at the moment, which led me to falling over THREE whole times in the space of 20 minutes. This is a very ominous stat and I shall be keeping my sand trekking to an absolute minimum until I get better! I blame the last fall on my sister, who spun around quickly as we walked along the shore at twilight and screamed something about a shark. Mum and I immediately bolted, but I didn’t get far before realising I was going down. As I surrendered myself to any available sharks in my proximity Michelle burst into hysterical laughter, telling us she’d seen land on the horizon. Not sharks. Thanks land, for infiltrating my camera lens and my clothes. I hate sand more than ever. It is a gritty menace that tricks me and swallows my feet.

Do you want to see photos? Go on, everyone loves photos. (Unfortunately none were taken of my falls because I didn’t think to flip the camera on and document the beach coming up to hit me in the face.)

A photo of my sister and mother's legs with feet planted each on very large stones, which are amongst lots and lots of large, grey stones.

A photo of my red paisley skirt and feet in wet sand. My toenails are shockingly pink (literally, China Glaze Shockingly Pink!)

A photo of my sister sitting on her haunches looking into a rock pool.

A photo of a large expanse of flatish rocks on the shoreline with pink and purple puddles sitting in them. The sky is a fantastic pink/ purple gradient.

A photo of my Mum and sister sitting on a rock against the shoreline and waves.

A photo of the waves rolling in at sunset. The beach curves around from the left foreground to middle background and the sky is a gradient of purple to pink.

Of course you want to know what I wore, am I right? Here are the details:
Dress: Collection from Myer (Thank you to Kiki for sending it to me!)
Bolero: City Chic
Shoes: Evans
Necklace and clutch: borrowed from Mum
Bracelets: City Chic
Rings: City Chic and Evans
Nails: MOI!

If foot agony is the measure of a good night let’s just say Michelle and Jordan’s reception scored off the charts and required an ice bath followed by a warm water bath (and many tears.) There are so many more photos I wanted to share but I didn’t want to bombard you with my (potentially boring) family stuff, but I really wanted to blog about this happy occasion!

I’ll endeavour to get the desktop up tomorrow, but ALSO! I got my Beth Ditto stuff from Evans finally… I haven’t had a second to try the polka dot dress, silver mary-janes or the grey skirt on yet, but I LOVE the drapey black t-shirt. I can’t even describe it.