Without delving too deeply into all that super raw stuff, here are some drawings I’ve produced. The first two are commissioned digital illustrations of Lillian and Jaimielee (the Fancy Bonanza winner); the rest are further explorations of ugly/ vain/ amazing/ perfectly cromulent embodiment.

Illustration of Lillian, who is fat and pale skinned, wearing a sheer black blouse with a red polka dot pencil skirt and red shoes. She stands on a checkerboard walkway in space!

Illustration of Jaimielee, a fat babe of colour with orange hair, helping her fluffy white dog Muscles stand up in the middle of a suburban street. Jaimielee wears a blue chevron striped top with a grey cardigan and blue jeans; Muscles wears a cute grumpy puppy face.

Illustration of myself (with longer blue hair) wearing a disdainful look upon my face and a singlet that says "Don't invalidate my ugly."

Illustration of a fat babe with brown skin and candy pink hair standing astride a yellow bike with a basket full of flowers, books, food and a white puppy.

Illustration of a babe with white skin, zits and huge honey coloured hair looking in a hand mirror. A speech bubble above says, “Look at yourself!” and text on the mirror says, “Stop looking at yourself.”

After having a minor panic attack, Nick’s helped me think through the solution. We’ll be re-running the giveaway and this time we are tracking the hashtag entries in a number of RSS readers (yay backups!) The #fancybonanza redux will now close December 14th at 12pm AEST (+10GMT), and I’m going to be giving away TWO more necklaces (blue and green) to two runners up.

It really blows that everyone has to re-enter the draw and I’m so sorry we weren’t aware of this Twitter limitation before we ran it. I’m so bummed out because I wanted to ensure that the winner would receive their necklace and brooch by Christmas!

An outfit photo of me, fat and pale skinned, wearing a dress with a mauve/ purple/ cream/ olive dot pattern, a lot of brown bead necklaces, and a thin belt with black sandals. I'm standing with Miffy, who wants her outfit photo taken too.

This morning we decided to go out for lunch and I had a dressing dilemma. Summer is a terrible sartorial period in my life because it’s so damn hot and for some reason I don’t have a very cohesive summer wardrobe. I have made a few patterned skirts but none of them go with the tops that I have! I pulled out the dreaded dress and decided to give it another go. Without anything to around my waist/ under boob area (the two are basically the same place when you have a short waist) it just made me feel very frumpy and un-finished. I pulled a studded belt out of the top of the wardrobe and put on as many beaded necklaces as I could find, and found it infinitely more wearable and less frumpy in my head. I hate wearing belts that just float around, and I really resent the designer for making this dress loose fitting from the bust line, but this is basically the best way I feel I can wear this dress.

My dress struggles reminded me that even though I (or you or anyone) can fully reject something (like the principle of flattering clothes) in theory, in practice it’s a far harder thing to carry out especially when we’ve had acceptable body shapes and sizes drilled into our heads. In some ways I feel like a hypocrite, but being gentler and more tender with myself is probably a more productive and workable approach. No fat or body acceptance activist is perfect, we all make mistakes, and sometimes we practice things that fall outside what we preach. How can I expect myself to be a perfectly radical activist in every way when I’ve grown up in the very culture I am questioning? I am not objective, I am subjective; we shouldn’t give the objective viewpoints more weight in most circumstances, we should be giving voice to the lived experience of hardship, struggle and oppression. I am feeling these shitty feelings we’ve been taught to feel. The most powerful thing is stopping for a second to listen to my self talk, then questioning why I feel the need to comply. Talking about it with other people helps a great deal, and it’s one of the reasons why I write about being fat and wearing clothes on this blog.

An outfit photo of me picking up my necklaces with one hand and the skirt of my dress with another, in a very carefree sort of "I'm a blogger lalalala" kind of way.

So I chose the option that made me feel less shit about myself in this case. It’s not perfect, but it’s one of the things I have to do in order to wear clothes as per my societal contract as a human being living in a city in Australia. I chose the option that made me feel like I’d be less of a target. As a fat person who is deathfat and can not hide it, my body is hyper-visible; I felt like I’d be less of a target for people to stare at and yell things at. I also chose the option that made me feel much better about a purchase I made, because I don’t have access to a diverse range of options in a size 24-26.

A photo of Miffy reaching up to give me a high five (with both paws because her front legs are adorably tiny).

A photo of my face, smiling in a kind of very forced way.

A photo of my legs and feet standing on grass sprinkled with red poinciana flowers. I'm wearing black studded sandals.

I get lots of feedback and questions about being fat and trying to be a “good activist” all the time, and honestly, I have no idea what a “good activist” is. The best human being I can be is a transparent, tender, forgiving, accountable being; and when it comes to an area of activism like body image that is so personal and emotional, the best activist thing is kind of a false aspiration. Seek to question, critique and be accountable but also be super loving and forgiving and remember that nuance is incredibly important. If you struggle with hating your body or participating in hurtful practices but love the idea of fat and body acceptance, you are not alone. There’s lots of us standing in front of mirrors every day battling this stuff, wondering if a belt will compromise everything. But it doesn’t.

Dress: Piper Woman
Shoes: Annie (via Shoebuy.com)
Belt: From a Yours Clothing dress
Necklaces: from a variety of forgotten places
Bangles: City Chic

In an effort to make it even more clear that I do not want this kind of self esteem eroding, multimillion dollar marketing scam bullshit infecting my life and this blog I’ve been working on a graphic for websites and blogs to use to proudly declare NO DIET TALK! This is a way for those of us who are made uncomfortable and triggered in conversations that centre around diet and weight loss to feel a bit safer, and I’m hoping that the graphic is spread far and wide.

Right click and save to your computer friends, then upload to your website!
These are all transparent png files for optimal stencilesque radness and to fit in with a wide variety of site designs. The white graphic has a black background added in with CSS, it will look great on most dark backgrounds.

I’m releasing this graphic in a few different colour variations under a Creative Commons Non Commercial No Derivatives license which means you can share the image and post it where ever you want on the internet, but you can’t modify or use it for commercial means.

I’m going to be making up brooches with this design too, so stay tuned!

Here’s some further reading on diet talk and why it sucks:
The anti diet-talk mantra by Sonya at Lip Mag
FAT: The Dirty Word by Mary at A Merry Life
Trimming the fat from “fat talk” on The-F-Word
Dear Dieters; A Letter to People at Work by Marianne at The Rotund

A photo of fat necklaces in white, red, silver mirror, green and blue.

“Does it say something? What does it say?”
“It says FAT!”
“Oh!”

Ordinarily I would jump in to explain defensively, just why I had the audacity to sell necklaces with THAT WORD cut out of pretty colours in fancy letters; however I just smiled and nodded. I’m a bit tired of feeling sheepish about fat and that’s why I made these necklaces, but I realise how awkward I still feel about the F word outside my community. It’s just a word, right? No it’s not just a word. It’s an identity. It’s my body. It’s a rebellion. It’s my attitude. I don’t want to feel defensive about this part of me but it’s hard when I’ve been taught that this word, this embodiment, is so taboo.

It’s a reminder that fat acceptance, or self acceptance, isn’t a destination. It’s lots of little steps, it’s sitting down for a while to reflect on how far I’ve come, and it’s the chub rub between my thighs from making it to this point.

An outfit photo of me with shoulder length blonde hair extensions wearing a white singlet with a red knee length skirt and a denim jacket.

No, this isn’t a photo from two years ago, and my hair hasn’t magically grown… it’s from Wednesday and I’m wearing hair extensions! Nick and I met up with Dr Lauren and Isaac from Griffith Uni to discuss our involvement in an exciting fat studies project, and as Nick took these photos we had Isaac taking photos of us and Lauren taking photos of him taking photos of us. It was all rather meta.

A portrait photo of me with the hair pieces in my hair and a blue scarf wrapped around my head. The hair is pinned half up and the ends sit on my shoulders in very loose curls.

I’ve been having a hair crisis for the past few weeks and having dyed my almost white hair back to brown, I actually added blonde back into it because I received some Lady Jayne hair extensions in the mail to trial and review. The colour of the extensions didn’t match my dark hair at all so I went in search of a streaking kit and enlisted Nick’s help in my DIY hair salon. I’m not a huge fan of proper salons, as you might know, and mostly always play around with my hair at home. Fortunately I’ve had a streak of successes recently (instantrimshot.com) and was pleased that my home dye job was a pretty good match with the hair pieces I was sent.

A photo of me from the back/ side, the extensions are half piled on the top of my head.

When I first clipped in the extensions I was pretty alarmed because my hair is so short at the back that they don’t blend at all. I experimented with pinning a few sections up loosely and decided to go with it! I’m sure with a bit more time I could style them a bit more neatly, with a little back coming and strategic pinning, but I’m always a fan of messy hair. For a seamless result with clip in hair extensions, it’s probably better to have more length in the back.

The Lady Jayne extensions are synthetic hair, and while they can’t be dyed they can be heat styled up to 210˚C. I own a set of very expensive extensions that I could probably dye to match my current hair colour, but I’m loath to touch them for fear of ruining them! What I noticed about the difference between my set and these Lady Jayne hair extensions was that the latter seems to be a lot fuller and thicker, with clips all along the top and two at the bottom of base of the extension. I used two of the 30 cm hair extensions in golden blonde and they didn’t move all morning, even though my hair is about 2″ long at the back and I didn’t backcomb it before clipping the pieces in.

As I wear the extensions and figure out how to do different styles with them I’ll post updates; I’m pretty excited to have longer hair again, even if my natural hair is a touch too short and I have to play around with the extensions so it doesn’t look like I have the most ridiculous mullet ever.

A photo of Miffy standing on grass, smiling for the camera.

An outfit photo of me, fat and pale skinned, wearing a white singlet top, red knee length skirt and denim jacket with black flats.

A side view of me in my outfit, as I pull a gleeful face.

I bought this red skirt for $4 from a local op shop (or, thrift shop for overseas folks). I’ve written a list of all the op shops in our area and I’m going to be hitting them up over the next few weeks to decipher which ones are rubbish and which are worthy of revisiting. So far, the only one worth going back to is the one I bought this skirt from, Salvos at Palm Beach. They have three and a bit racks of plus size clothing, and while it’s not all great it’s good fun to look through.

The second photo up there is one I had Nick take especially for an awesome new Tumblr called Fat From the Side. It’s all about showing fat bodies from, uh, the side because most outfit photos only show bloggers from the front and when many people see their own bodies from the side, or in other angles, they feel uncomfortable. So I’m going to make a concerted effort to include more angles of my outfits on here from now on! We have three dimensional bodies, dammit, and the front 180˚ isn’t the whole picture.

Singlet: Sara
Jacket: New Look
Skirt: Salvos
Shoes: Evans
Necklace: Made by me
Scarf: Swap

Even though the colour of my bike was the approximate shade of a McDonalds cheese slice stuck to an oily wrapper, I grew close to it and learned of all its secrets. If I wanted to carry stuff on the rear rack I had to balance it just right because it was a little bit wonky; and no matter how hard I tightened the bolts on my handle bars and seat they would go askew at inconvenient moments throwing me off the bike violently unless I paid attention to the warning signs.

I had that same bike until I was about 16 and with it I explored three different neighbourhoods; I rode around multi-story carparks, made my way through bushland to fish water lilies out of the creek and snuck out to the shops to get ice blocks on hot summer days. There must have been some moment when I thought I had outgrown my ugly yellow bike, leaving it in the garage in favour of catching trains and buses to explore things outside my neighbourhood. When I learnt how to drive a car it seemed that I would never ride a bike again!

In recent years I’ve noticed a renewed interest in biking for transport and fun. Brisbane City Council have even started the City Cycle initiative with bikes for hire to get around the inner city and CBD. The programme is pretty cool but I never lived close enough to a City Cycle station to have a go. That, and the last time I’d ridden a bike was well over a decade previously! So living too far away from a bike station, having long distant bike experience, no helmet and lingering doubts that one of the City Cycle bikes could even hold my magnificent body sort of precluded me from jumping on a bike like the Council wanted. Their “healthy initiative” unfortunately won’t be a great success until it becomes more accessible and inclusive.

The thing about encouraging fat people to “just get active” is that far too many activities are unwelcoming and even hostile to fat bodies. Did you know that many resistance machines at gyms have weight limits? Fat people do. Have you ever gone on a nice walk only to have people looking at you or screaming fat hating jeers out of cars? It happens to fat people all the time. So pardon all the fatties when they react with extreme suspicion to council “healthy lifestyle” initiatives!

It wasn’t until I came across the Fat Babes on Bikes Tumblr that I truly believed I could possibly get on a bike again. When the seed was planted, it grew furiously! Fuck Yeah Fat Positive started receiving lots of tips and information about bike riding for fatties and with those bits of encouragement I started researching bikes, tyre pressure and seats until I was fairly confident that I’d be able to sit on a bike and fly down a hill just like I used to.

Before we moved down the coast I had a few goals, and buying a bike and learning to ride again was one of them. My plan fell into place beautifully thanks to Zoe, who sold me her Electra Amsterdam Ticino! I started out by having a ride on the grass with the seat lowered but found it really hard until I figured out the gear was set high, another challenge for me since my childhood bike was only a fixie. My first practice left me feeling exhilarated but a bit daunted, it was a challenge to balance myself on the bike and control the brakes.

A photo of me wearing a bike helmet and smiling.

So I sat back down at my computer and looked up information on learning to ride as an adult. Best of all, I discovered I wasn’t alone and that I wasn’t a complete failure for forgetting how to ride a bike! Top tips that were helpful for me: don’t use the handlebars to steer, instead use them for balance; it’s easier to ride in a straight line when you’re going faster; and many people find rolling, not pedaling, down a gentle grassy slope useful for getting their bike balance. There are quite a few more tips on this fantastic forum thread too!

A few days after we moved into our new place Nick went out and bought his own bike. The assistant at the bike shop was super helpful and listened to all the things Nick wanted to have in a bike, plus he ensured the best fit. Nick bought a speedster, a much faster bike than my Dutch city-styled Electra, and we started out slowly for my benefit because Nick seemed to be able to get the hang of his bike much easier! Once I raised my seat to the right height for me everything clicked and I was able to ride down the street with a fair degree of ease (but alas, very little grace!)

A photo of me standing next to my light blue bike in the middle of a street.

A photo of me standing with my helmet on and my blue bike in front of me.

A photo of me riding my bike, taken from the side.

We’ve been riding down to the shops, along the local bike path and exploring our neighbourhood and while I’m still a little nervous it’s incredibly liberating to be able to get on a bike and make it fly. It’s been so beneficial for my social phobia too, allowing me to go outside for some exercise and exposure to the world while still having a little personal space bubble enveloping me and my bike. I’ve been able to ride around by myself without feeling like everyone is going to laugh at me, probably because my bike makes me feel like I really am in a badass bike babe gang! I’ve even got plans to sew myself up some cute biking outfits. Wanna join my gang?

A photo of me riding my bike away from the camera, down the road.

A photo of a room full of people moving about and holding up clothes that are piled on tables.

A photo of Kat holding up a cream dress, there's a board full of colourful jewellery just in front of her too.

A photo of Ava Savage (I think! Let me know if I've got your name wrong!) holding jeans up amidst the clothing swap bustle.

A clothes hanger full of jackets and coats in different fabrics and textures.

A pair of pink/ orange opal looking plastic earrings on the jewellery board.

I took the opportunity to do a massive wardrobe purge for the swap, and brought along a lot of plus size clothing. I tried to get the word out on Tumblr, Twitter and Facebook and to encourage more plus size people to come along but there weren’t many of us! I was happy to pass my clothes on to other people without looking for swaps, because I am minimising in preparation for the move, but I wished there were more people there I could have given my clothes to. (All the unclaimed clothes are going to Lifeline so at least they will be getting an influx of my quality plus sized clothing!)

Today reminded me again that I have a body that has been sidelined by our culture. If you wear plus sized clothing, you get closed out of a lot of spaces. Physically, medically, romantically, in your career, and in terms of fashion. I love the idea of clothing swaps but have experienced just how difficult it is to encourage fat people to take part and I think it has a lot to do with feeling that we’re not welcome and that there will be nothing available for us. In the future I would love to help organise swapping events that cater specifically to people who wear plus size clothing. In addition to providing a space where people will feel like they know they can swap clothes in their size, it would also be a more comfortable space. Even though I wasn’t swapping today, I did pick through the piles of clothing and found little for me. To be fat is to take up space, and when you’re not involved you can feel like you’re in the way, and that’s another barrier for fat people when it comes to clothes swap events.

My experience today was not an isolated one, and I think if we can develop a strong sense of local community amongst feminists, activists, women and fat people, we can work together to make more comfortable, resourceful and meaningful spaces. I see some fabulous fat activist communities working together to build resources for clothing and swapping in the USA particularly, and pine for that kind of community here in Australia, particularly in Brisbane. Even so, I do have a network of supportive fat activists and friends here in this city and I know I will grieve that when I move.

Oh and here’s what Zoe and I wore today, representing the fat femmes of Brisbane!

An outfit photo of Zoe, fat and pale skinned, wearing a short black dress with a lace collar, grey cardigan, purple tights and floral Doc Martens. She has a hand in her hair and looks down, very lookbook.nu!

An outfit photo of me, fat and pale skinned with short blonde swoopy hair, wearing a black velvet long top with a grey tie dye maxi skirt knotted over black tights with black sandals.

Top: New Look
Skirt: Made by me
Tights: We Love Colours
Sandals: Spendless
Necklace: Made by me
Bag: Dangerfield

We walked into a few boutiques in Fortitude Valley and I felt like my imposter feelings were magnified. I looked at accessories and even the rings and bangles didn’t fit me. The shop assistants either glared or crowded around us asking if Zoe and I were hairdressers because of our “edgy hair”. One touched my tattoo, actually tracing around it with her finger. It was not a nice feeling.

It just makes me feel even more motivated to create spaces that make people feel good and not isolated or ostracised! Can I build a kick arse, supportive, size friendly community down the Gold Coast? Are you living on the Gold Coast? Do you crave this like I do? Gosh, please get in touch!