Remember that time I was all gung-ho about the Couch to 5k? I remember that time. It didn’t last long. After struggling with finding exercise gear that fit and fearing nasty people yelling things out at me (which totally eventuated), you know what? I stopped doing it. I didn’t like that I stopped running, because I enjoyed it but I needed to sort this problematic stuff out first.

I started with finding a solution to one huge problem: I didn’t have a proper bra that I could do such a high impact activity in without a lot of pain and discomfort. The amount of moaning I’ve done on this issue is legendary, and as a result of that moaning the president of Enell emailed me. I’d been trying to buy an Enell bra from a few different places with no luck so I was really upset and aggravated about the whole issue. Renelle, the kind and benevolent president, had heard my cries and sent me three bras. I actually weeped with relief when I got them. They fit! I could jump up and down without my chest slapping me in the chin! I could hang upside down without my boobs falling out of their cups! It was an Actual Revelation.

Recently my husband and I found ourselves in a position where we could actually afford a gym membership, so we signed up at a Jetts 24 hour gym. And you know what? Now that the issue of heckling is mostly removed, I feel so much more motivated to exercise. I don’t think that many people with slimmer builds consider this constant anxiety about being harassed for being fat whilst one is exercising. It’s a huge barrier – an unhealthy barrier for everyone. I’m really impressed with Jetts and Jess the manager, who is also looking after Nick and my programme. I told her that weight loss wasn’t my primary concern, and that I wanted to focus on fitness and strengthening my arms and she listened to me! You guys, I’ve never had a fitness professional actually listen to me and design a programme that actually helps me (rather than helping the fitness professional feel like they’re Saving A Fatty)! The gear is all new, there’s a cap on memberships so that you don’t have to fight for equipment, and the cardio machines have TVs built in to them (so I can shake my fist at moron politicians on morning TV). We’ve gone almost every second morning since signing up, and even though the walking lunges with 5kg weights in each hand is leaving me with screaming thighs, I’m feeling more energetic and motivated.

The final piece of the puzzle is the exercise pant. I’ve been wearing some men’s 2xl Slazenger tights, which are pretty rad for preventing chafing but I’m wanting a pair of actual women’s pants. Because you know, I’m a woman. Nick has been searching for some skins that will fit him too, because it seems like Australian retailers don’t think that a 6xl man could be exercising (while self righteous doctors abuse “The Obese” for not exercising in the background!) We found an American retailer called Aero Tech Designs which stocks cycling and work out gear up to proper plus sizes and ordered some pants each. I’ll let you know how that goes when we receive them!

So right now at least, I’m enjoying the gym. I’m enjoying the time I allocate for myself which turns into time spent with Nick having a quick coffee before we start our working days. It’s good stuff!

This weekend we decided we would focus only on pleasurable things because we have been so busy lately. The ingredients for a happy weekend include: no work, minimal housework, friends, outside, nourishing food and time together. It’s nice to pause and spend time together – because we’ve discovered that working from home together doesn’t necessarily mean we are spending time together!

Yesterday we went to the markets with some friends and the boys held the first ever SAUSAGE CUP, which is exactly what it sounds like. Sausages in a cup. I counted nine of them in one cup! Shaun’s photo above should give you some indication of how vast the sausage selection is at the “Wurst House” at the markets.

Then Nick and I decided to go for a drive to the mountains in the afternoon. There is something about being in the mountains that puts me at peace, and we’re very lucky to have a smorgasbord of lovely mountain places around Brisbane to flee to whenever we get the desire. We went to Mt Glorious and Mt Nebo, and spent a couple of hours dreaming about living up there.

One day I will have a studio in the mountains, and I will never come down! Today we are having a lazy day that will be capped off by a picnic in the park with our friends.

I definitely recommend you get some pleasurable weekend in your life soon!

What makes you happy? – shot on 5DMKII from Jon Rawlinson on Vimeo.

@thedesignfiles posted a link to one of Jon Rawlinson’s short films, Kuroshio Sea (which is also awesome, check it out) and being the curious cat that I am I clicked onto the next video which posed the question, “What makes you happy?”

A few years ago now, I used to have a VW Beetle, and I would ponder the question of happiness a lot as I drove late at night. Back then, my list of things that made me happy included:

• A full tank of petrol
• A full packet of ciggies (sigh, oh the past!)
• Driving home after a lovely night with my friends
• Singing songs really loud (my Beetle didn’t have a radio!)
• Driving the bug

Right now, I have a very bland sort of car and while it’s very reliable and doesn’t strand me on scary motorways in the middle of the night (with no mobile phone credit, I had to flag down a stranger!) it doesn’t really give me any happiness. I absolutely hated breaking down all the time in Poberty Jane (my bug) but driving it was thrilling and engaging. In a new car there doesn’t seem to be any kind of engagement or thrill (unless you buy something really fast, fancy and expensive!)

So, the things that make me happy must surely have shifted. I met and married Nick since those times, and I have embarked on a career as a graphic artist and designer. So let’s revisit the happy list, yeah?

Things that make me happy, 2009

• Solving a design problem
• Laughing with my family and friends
• Emptying my pencil sharpener
• Absent-minded doodling
• Stimulating conversation
• Seeing new places and exploring them by foot (like waterfalls!)
• Writing something that reflects how I feel as accurately and succinctly as possible
• Learning new things
• Collaborating with people
• Making beautiful food
• Expressing myself through personal styling (I hate to use the term “fashion” since styling one’s identity extends beyond that!)
• Meeting people I connect with
• Cracking jokes that people laugh at

I guess I could go on and on… and I feel pretty grateful for that! What makes you happy?

This week is National Invisible Chronic Awareness Week in America, and even though I’m international I thought this questionaire would be helpful not only for myself, but for readers of my blog!

1. The illness(es) I live with are:
Type 1 diabetes (T1D), depression and anxiety with a little tendinitis (and arm cysts!) thrown in

2. I was diagnosed with it/them in the year:
T1D – 1998
Depression and anxiety – 2001
Tendinitis/ RSI – 2007

3. But I had symptoms since:
T1D – a few months before being diagnosed (generally you don’t let that shit slide or else you get dead!)
Depression and anxiety – since 1995
Tendinitis – since about 2005

4. The biggest adjustment I’ve had to make is:
Having to interrupt my day to jab myself and eat on a schedule, being a slave to doctors (currently my beef is that they will only give me 1 repeat of insulin so I have to keep going back!)

My depression isn’t as severe as it used to be, I think learning coping mechanisms has helped me a lot in my day to day life. Surprisingly, my anxiety has been largely ignored by the doctors and shrinks so I’m still doing unproductive things like not answering calls from numbers I don’t recognise, putting my phone on silent for weeks on end, having trouble going outside by myself, etc.

I have to wear a wrist brace when I’m working, and if I really aggravate my arm I can’t work for days on end. It interrupts my workflow, and affects my ability to consistently earn money. It also makes me feel pathetic and useless when the pain is at its worst.

5. Most people assume:
I’m fat because I have type 2 diabetes. No. I’m probably fat because I give myself too much insulin, which results in fabulous to low Hb1ac levels (the coating of sugar on my blood cells) and weight gain. T1D sufferers who are very skinny (as a result of rapid weight loss, not natural body weight) likely have very high Hb1ac levels, which leads to diabetes complications like blindness and kidney disease. I will likely meet my end with a stroke or heart disease, maybe even an amputated limb.

People assume that I’m useless and aloof because of many of my anxiety symptoms. When I was a child and teen, people used to get so frustrated with my avoidance tactics and would reprimand me because I would refuse to call places when they asked me to, or because I was socially awkward.

When I wear a wrist brace out in public people are generally nicer and more helpful. Which is surprising considering when I had a bung foot going to Melbourne in December, I had to use a walking stick and some people were rude and inconsiderate. On the flight down, many of the families with children waiting to board encouraged me to get on the plane first but I was nearly bowled over by some impatient special snowflake who didn’t have any trouble walking, nor did he have children!

6. The hardest part about mornings is:
Having to wake up at a timely hour to have my insulin. If I don’t stick to a schedule, everything gets screwed around a bit.

7. My favorite medical TV show is:
I don’t really like watching the real life shows, but I like Scrubs.

8. A gadget I couldn’t live without is:
Insulin pens :D

9. The hardest part about nights is:
Having hypos at 3am and having to get up and force carbs into my face when I don’t want to eat.

10. Each day I take [?] pills & vitamins.
I’m really bad with taking pills and/ or vitamins!! I’m lucky in that pills aren’t really a part of my health care regimen, even though a multi-vitamin probably wouldn’t hurt!

11. Regarding alternative treatments, I:
Certain people have tried to convince me that my diabetes can be cured with homeopathy and a raw vegan diet. Righteo!! If there was a bona-fide cure I’m sure I’d have a mailbox stuffed with excited proclamations from Diabetes Australia/ Queensland!

I want to get hypnotised and see if it helps my anxiety. I’m very curious about it because I have a few people close to me who have been helped by it.

I’ve tried a course of acupuncture for my tendinitis and while it provided short term relief for a matter of hours, it really wasn’t the relief I was looking for (IE: LONGTERM!)

12. If I had to choose between an invisible illness and a visible one, I would choose:
I really have no experience having a visible illness, besides wearing a brace in public occasionally. I can’t conceive of a life without diabetes – sometimes when I have dinner with friends I find it strange that they don’t whip out their insulin pens and jab themselves when I do. Most of the time, people don’t even notice when I inject myself!

So yeh, short answer: I can’t choose, and I don’t know differently.

13. Regarding working and career:
Having hypos in the workplace can be very embarrassing sometimes, because a low blood sugar attack can make one look quite drunk and disoriented. Many workplaces I’ve been in I’ve had to simply wait until I could excuse myself to get sugar – which is completely unfair, I know.

Having an anxiety disorder and working has been challenging, but generally it has helped me confront things that I would have put in the “too hard” basket.

14. People would be surprised to know:
That I would be dead if insulin wasn’t on the PBS. It’s expensive as it is, but it’d be 20 times more expensive if it wasn’t subsidised by the government.

15. The hardest thing to accept about my new reality is:
I’m going to die younger than Nick and my friends.

16. Something I never thought I could do with my illness was:
Go overseas. I’m still not sure how I would manage it, with the time zone changes and what not… it’d royally screw up my insulin regimen.

17. The commercials about my illness:
There are very few commercials about T1D. Usually it’s scare tactics about T2D (which means that people assume I have T2D).

18. Something I really miss doing since I was diagnosed:
I miss not giving a shit about when I eat or what I eat.
I miss the strength I used to have in my wrist.

19. It was really hard to give up:
Smoking. I’m still weening myself off them and I’m not the type to get all sanctimonious about it. I actually really enjoyed smoking as a way to alleviate some of my anxiety!

20. A new hobby I’ve taken up since my diagnosis is:
I’m trying to do new things in my creative practice that don’t involve such intensive use of my wrist. Right now I’m making rosettes out of ties.

21. If I could have one day of feeling normal again, I would:
Go traveling and eating.

22. My illness has taught me:
How to be a control freak.

23. Want to know a secret? One thing people say (about my illness) that gets under my skin is:
- XXXXX CURES DIABETES
- CAN YOU EAT THAT?

24. But I love it when people:
Look after me when I’ve had a hypo or panic attack. It makes me feel like less of a freak.

25. My favorite motto, scripture, quote that gets me through tough times is:
I usually just say to myself that tomorrow will come like yesterday came, and pretty soon it’ll be next month. It really helps me feel like there will be a future when I think the world is going to end.

26. When someone is diagnosed I like to tell them:
Ask me anything.

27. Something that has surprised me about living with an illness is:
How little some medical professionals know. Like, when I’m in hospital getting hourly obs – THE NURSES ALWAYS COME IN AND PRICK THE TIP OF THE SAME DAMNED FINGER.

a) Don’t stick the tip or the pad of my fingers. There are helpful nerves in them! Lance the side of my fingers where there aren’t as many nerves to damage.
b) DIDN’T YOU DO ANATOMY AS PART OF YOUR TRAINING?
c) OW! That hurts! Rotate those injection sites.

28. The nicest thing someone did for me when I wasn’t feeling well was:
Get me orange juice or something similarly sugary. There’s no one time, it’s not a standalone occurrence, but my friends and loved ones always know what to do!

29. I’m involved with Invisible Illness Week because:
I never really considered that I have invisible illnesses, but I do. I always like to imagine I’m a normal person, but I’m not. That’s a delusion that healthy people don’t have to suffer.

30. The fact that you read this list makes me feel:
Thankful and a little weirded out, considering this blog is so public! But I think it’s important to talk about our health, especially about depression and anxiety.

Disclaimer of sorts: This awareness week was started by a Christian ministry, and while I am an atheist I think it’s important to make people aware of chronic invisible illnesses. I also think it’s important to treat them with medical science, not just prayer – like in the case of the diabetic 11 year old who died because her Christian parents refused her medical treatment, preferring to pray for her healing rather than providing her treatment.
/controversy

I’ve been incredibly busy working AND playing in the last few weeks, and I’ve come to the conclusion (like I always do) that Brisbane is a fantastic city with so much going on. Growing up here, I’ve heard all the snide “big country town” references and watched friends and family move interstate and overseas to find their glory, but in my lifetime I’ve witnessed the city mature into a vibrant hub of creative activity. I want to be a part of Brisbane’s flurry of creativity, and invest back into the city that has invested a lot in me.

People who moan about there being nothing to do and no opportunity haven’t really opened their eyes, in my humble opinion. Just by grabbing any one of the free street press (mX, Rave, Scene, Time Off, Tsunami…) you’ll have access to any number of free and low priced events, and if you have an internet connection you can be even more plugged in with the fantastic Brisbane Creative Industries monthly events list!

Just in the space of one weekend I went to Brisbane Twestival, an all ages fundraiser with burlesque, cupcakes and bands; a talk by erotica authors at the Brisbane Writers Festival; saw incredible fireworks; and enjoyed a Chris Isaak concert under the stars. I feel so fortunate to be able to say that I am completely exhausted from all the fantastic things I did on the weekend.

I might grumble in summer when Brisbane’s cloying humidity drapes over me like a wet flannelette, but generally I love living here. Nick and I have discussed moving down to Melbourne, and at the beginning of the year we were seriously considering making the move for 2010, but I just don’t think I can bring myself to do it. My family and friends are all here, and I’m beginning to carve a niche for myself (slowly, with a butter knife!) too. To move to Melbourne would mean starting again socially and professionally, and as many artists flock to Melbourne… I mightn’t even get a look in! While I love Melbourne, it’s not my city and it’s not a city that’s undergoing rapid cultural growth like Brisbane. So I’ll stay here and reinvest my time and passions into the people and the city that have nurtured me!

Do you love where you live? If you could live anywhere… where would it be?

This morning Michael Jackson died, and I have been running the gamut of emotions remembering my childhood as an avid MJ fan. I think it was when I was about four that I became fixated on him, and I remember that my uncle Pete had brought up his Thriller album on a visit from Melbourne for me to listen to. Michael then became my imaginary friend – even though I had two baby sisters, I was a very solitary child and would play by myself for hours and Michael would keep me company. When my sister Amanda was born, it meant that all three girls took up the back seats in the car, and Mum tells me (with a giggle) that I used to panic and protest that they were sitting on Michael and hurting him.

I would watch for the “We Are The World” clip to come on Rage on the weekends, anxiously anticipating when Michael would come in for the first chorus. (That song had ALL of my heroes, basically!) Michael used to say and do a lot of things to encourage peace and love, and I honestly felt that all people should have the same aims (oh naivety!)

When the Dangerous album came out I was about 10 years old and Mum and Dad bought us the cassette album, which we’d play in my awesome pink cassette player. We’d blast it in the garage and sing and dance with our neighbours until the very end of the album. Cyndi Lauper’s She’s So Unusual would typically follow.

By 1993 the sexual abuse accusations came out; I was 12 and becoming more and more confused about my childhood hero and former imaginary friend. I was around the same age as Jordan Chandler, so it was only natural that I had some degree of empathy with him. The media went crazy, the magazines my mother frequently bought started calling him Wacko Jacko (to be fair his behaviour did become quite erratic) so my love affair with him ended quite abruptly. I felt embarrassed and betrayed.

This morning my Mum called and Nick answered the phone. Mum arranged a BBQ for Sunday night, and then told Nick that Michael Jackson was rumoured to be dead. I was in a state of disbelief. Rumours were flying on Twitter and Facebook, and as the hour swung around and Michael’s death was confirmed, I put on Thriller and relived my childhood memories. They were good memories. Happy memories. Michael Jackson taught me to dance and sing, two things I still adore as an adult. He was my role model and I think a lot of my creative aptitude was encouraged in those years, by him and my family.

Vale Michael Jackson. My hero.

I was diagnosed at 17 with Juvenile Diabetes (now commonly known as Type 1 Diabetes because onset isn’t strictly confined to childhood) and this year marks my 11th year living with the condition. Last week Nick and I decided to take part in the Bridge to Brisbane fun run as part of the #BTUB group, and we also decided to raise money for the Juvenile Diabetes Research Foundation (JDRF) in the lead up to the event.

Despite many T1D people being promised a cure a decade ago, it’s still no where near materialised. Type 1 also seems to get lost in all the press releases and scare mongering about diabetes, when they’re actually referring to Type 2! As a result, a lot of misconceptions abound about these two groups of sufferers and I have a horrible feeling that funds are being channeled away from research for a T1 cure as well.

If you’d like to donate to my fundraising effort for JDRF, I really, really, really appreciate it. In very real ways. It’s not just that I have to stab myself x times a day: it’s feeling like I’m a freak, having to discretely inject when I’m out, explaining why I have sharps in my bag when I fly (with a medical certificate!), and always being prepared for the possibility that my blood sugar might go low at the most inopportune of times (I’ve lost jobs in the past because I’ve had a hypo during phone calls or interviews)!

You can donate here via my Everyday Hero page and help the JDRF find a cure. I’m aiming for AUD$1000 – eep! Thank you SO SO much for supporting a cause that I have such a personal investment in :)

The other night, something terrible happened. Her father committed suicide in their home, and Heidi found his body. Every time I think about it tears come to my eyes and I selfishly put myself in her position – it makes me feel so many emotions… but I know I probably wouldn’t have felt I could reach out to my friends all over the world from my blog. I love that Heidi did, and still does, because I know she’s in trouble and needs help… emotionally and financially.

She has to, quite literally, clean up the mess. Some of her local friends contacted a local cleaning agency, Crime Scene Steri-Clean, who have been absolutely brilliant in helping her deal with the situation but there are unavoidable costs that her friends are hoping to help her with. If you’re in a position to help, Heidi has put up a PayPal button on her blog, but she also adores handwritten letters. You can find the details here.

I love you Heidi, I wish I could fly over and give you a hug and a kiss.

A year ago Nick and I got married at Newstead Park! I love looking back at our wedding photos which were shot by Kate. Especially because she got moments like this one – after I stood in dog crap barefoot and Nick cleaned it off for me!

Yes there were nicer moments too, but I think the funny moments really capture exactly what Nick and I are like!

A few days ago we went to the mountains to celebrate, kind of like what we did after the wedding except we went down the coast this time to Mt Tamborine. It was lovely, but I wasn’t anywhere near as impressed with our accommodation as I was last time. Highlights included: Curtis and Cedar Creek Falls and the glowworms at Cedar Creek Estate!

Photo by milkthebasic.

I am just in love with glowworms now – and if you go see them, do be sure not to take any white light into their habitat as it kills them! Just cover your torch (or camera display) with red cellophane ;) I couldn’t take any photos while I was in the cave at the estate, but their “traps” have snared my imagination, they are like the most beautiful jewellery!

Today I went to a cupcake picnic, organised by the lovely @shique! We got to sample one from The Cupcake Parlour and another from Poppy Cakes. The cupcake I had from The Cupcake Parlour was a vanilla with this blobby blue icing, I found the cupcake to be amazing and moist but the icing was far too sugary for me! From Poppy Cakes, I had a lemon poppy seed cupcake and thought the cake was dry but the icing was beautiful. I couldn’t eat all of the cupcakes, much to my husband’s delight.

2manycupcakes

Miss @shique

I look kind of obnoxious, sorry about that :P